A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast".

I'm bumpin' this 'cause I definately need some more jokes today...

Here's another little 'salty dog' I've been working on, kind of a musical themed joke

These three guys- bass player, lead guitarist, and drummer, all morbidly obese and voracious homosexuals start up a band called the Green Lanterns

they land their first gig at the ramrod and open right up with their first tune "You sh*t the bed Nellie"

they're just rocking away like the gay trio they are and all of a sudden the owner comes up and says "hey you guys are awfully loud, could you turn down a bit? I have people eating their dinners here still, I'd really appreciate it."

and the three of them all start weeping softly into their brassieres and they leave because their feelings were so hurt

Prune-Tang

Salesman walks into a bar and tells the bartender "I just landed the biggest deal of my life, I can now afford to pay for my kid's college, pay off the house, take my wife on a vacation, I can't remember a time I've been so happy, set up the bar, let's have some fun!" and he throws his card down and everyone has a drink on him

The bartemnder tells him "You're in luck, we've got live entertainment tonight, should be a great time!"

Salesman asks "Who's playing?"

Bartender says "River City Wilco, followed by Acme Music Trio and then Milhouse"

The guy says "Excuse me for a moment, would you?" and he heads off to the men's room where he hangs himself with his tie

So these four nuns are waiting to go into confessional...

wait, I can't tell that one.

So a blonde, brunette and a redhead are at the OB/GYN, all pregnant...

um, come to think of it, I can't tell that one either.

Guess I'll just do the punch lines

"I'm going to have a puppy!"

"I'd like to gargle before you wash your privates"

"Father Nelson"

"It doesn't taste sweet!"

+1 on Prune-Tang.

oh and I gave the little motherf*cker a kazoo except he doesn't really get the concept of it- insteqad of playing it I thing he thinks it's his cell mate trying to steal his food because he keeps yelling at it 'I WILL BLEAK YOUR FLICKING BEAK YOU BASTALD" and he keeps it shoved over in the corner of the cage

sonofab*tcher got out of his cage the other day and he waent up into the f*cking rafters and I guess he knows his was around the walls and sh*t pretty good because I can never find him, but he leaves little notes around like when he gets into the fridge and leaves little notes like "HEY DUMBASS YOU'RE OUT OF PICKLES LOVE PETE"

f*cking guy thinks he's so culturally elite, mixed in a whole sh*tload of celery salt and cracked pepper in his bird seed and left it on the table when I come home from work swith a sign what says THIS BIRDSEED WENT BAD YOU ASSHOLE WE NEED MORE except I know there's nothing wrong with that sh*t he just over-seasoned the sonofabitch so I just rinsed it and put it back and he didn't know any better

well the final straw was when he was stealing straws out of the silverware drawer and he was building a raft I know because he left a note in the silverware drawer saying HEY F*CKFACE I'M BUILDING A RAFT and I left a note saying Thirsday was frappe night so I needed a couple straws for strawberry frappes and lo and behold when I went to fetch up a straw the box was empty cept for a littl esticky noter what said GO F*CK YOURSELF AND YOUR GAY FRAPPES and I won't stand for int9oolerance in my house so his goose is cooked

so me and my boys built up a little wall out of sugar cubes and airheads and such and fashioned us a little tiny parakeet blindfold out of a label maker except we were being pretty sly and we had it say 'dead duck' on that and we rounded up old pete and told him it was the firing squad and he knew he'd been too defiant for his own good so he said he'd take it like a man, only thing was he wanted to have a cigarette as his last request so we pulled him out a parliament light and lit er up and the motherf*cker starts puffing and puffing and puffing away like a motherf*cker so there's smoke all over the f*cking place and we can see worth a sh*t and then we realizxe somethings wrong in the state of Denmark so we turn on alkl the fans and when the proverbial and literal smoke cleared, all we had left was another sticky note saying YOU F*CKING GUYS SUCK SEE YOU LATER DUMBASSES and we figured the little motherf*cker would have skipped town altogether but every once in a while we still see a couple seeds here and there, maybe a cracker goes missing and we think of old peeetah pretty bird with the speech impediment I hope he wasn't all f*cked up just becuase of the drugs I gave him I only wanted him to have fun I like to think he was a weird dude to begin with

I'm still laughing about the salesman that won the lottery.

Is it me?....cause I didn't get a thing the Chippa wrote?

Brian, you have to do a shitload of coke before you can follow anything Chippa says.

I've got the f*cking planet Hoth up my nose right now

ANG ANG ANG ANG WHERE THE F*CK ARE MY KEYS OH NEVER MIND THEY'RE ON THE TABLE WAIT A MINUTE THAT'S NOT MY KEYS IT MY KNEES NOPE IT'S A PILE OF COKE ON MY RATT OUT OF THE CELLAR CD WE SHOULD TOTALLY PLAY ROUND AND ROUND MAN THE CHICKS LOVE THAT SH*T SERIOUSLY WHERE THE F*XK ARE MY KEYS NEVER MIND I FOUND THEM THEY'RE IN THIS BAG WITH THE REST OF THE COKE DUDE WE SHOULD TOTALLY F*CKING PLAY RATT AND SH*T BECAUSE CHICKS LOVE THAT SH*T WHER HE FUCK ARE MY F*CKING KEYS GOD I'M THIRSTY

Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

A. Kids don't like broccoli.